A reason to this could be because of Ayumi Hamasaki's performance in this video, and the lyrics of her song. In comments surrounding the video in youtube.com, a lot of people agree that this song was dedicated by Hamasaki to her dad who left her and her mother a few years ago.
When I first heard the song, thanks to my fellow "Otaku" of a friend, Meggy, I was immediately captured by it. Back then, I did not know the meaning of the song's lyrics. I can't even understand Japanese, except for a few common words. I haven't even seen the video, nor its live performance. I just listened, and listened, and listened. Before I knew it, I was so captivated that I dream about the song in my sleep.
Then, one day, out of curiosity and sheer need for OCness (obsessive compulsive=in my words, that means my need for organization), I just can't let myself have a copy of a song without ever seeing a video, I decided to browse through Youtube.com for a copy of the video with english subtitles.
And then, I was hooked. I was heartbroken - because the lyrics got to me. And I got hooked.
It was just too heartbreaking and painful. Ayumi was singing about how much she misses her father and how she wishes he could have told her "I love you" even if it was a lie. That, alone, hit me. Here I am, a pretty much insensitive girl to sentimental videos, touched by the pain and bitterness of being an unloved and unfelt child. Much more, I could relate! Not because I was abandoned, but I once felt the same with my own father...before my parent's annulment, of course. It is just so funny how a person could live through such a horrible tragedy and continue to smile and live normally, then all of a sudden, when everything's OK, you realize that there was something missing all along..then, you look back, or something reminds you to look back, and then you realize, you didn't cry when the tragedy happened. You never cried, not once. Then, when you realized that you had been missing it all along, you finally manage to cry. And you cry for the time you haven't, cry for the time lost, and cry for the NEW YOU, because you actually managed to forget and move on.
That is exactly how I felt when I saw the video. It just reminded me of a lot of things I couldn't take back anymore. It was a sad reminder of who I was then, and made me take a few steps back of who I am now. It's kind of like reminding myself that I will never manage to become who I am now, if it weren't for the things I have been through, good and bad.
Though it is clearly for my own good, though.
I did cry when I watched the video. I cried because I felt in it what I am feeling now, and what I should have felt when both my parents filed their annulment papers. And I still try to feel it, to remind myself that it is a part of who I am.
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